Cry Me River… The Final Weeks

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Something happened today. Something that does not normally overtake me like it did this morning. I cried. Yes, my 9 1/2 month pregnant self cried. Shocker. While most people may assume that pregnant chicks walk around an emotional mess, I like to think that I hold myself together pretty well. I’m not a crier. One of the many benefits of working out throughout pregnancy is how much is keeps the “crazy” hormones a little less crazy, and more stable. I really don’t experience tons of mood swings, although lets face it, all women have their moments. However this morning was the first time I really felt myself go. It actually reminded me a lot of my first pregnancy at a very similar point where I had to pull over into a parking lot with my mom and cry about not having diapers yet. Obviously something to cry over. Later that night she was able to poke fun at me for it, because yes I was on my emotional rollercoaster and didn’t mind laughing at myself.

I don’t like to complain or play the “victim mom”, but I’m going to right now. Because I cried. This morning was one of those mornings that I just wanted this baby out. I wanted to hear we’re nearing the end and I won’t have to waddle around or struggle to bend down anymore with hips that I’m almost positive would qualify for a replacement. The morning began with a very whiney, cranky and uncomfortable 5 year old not able to deal with his allergies, a never ending battle every morning. Between getting nose spray in him, anti-itch cream on his dry skin and taking his antihistamine medication, it’s a frustrating battle for everyone involved. It’s a split between frustration with his crankiness over it and my heart breaking because I do everything I can and it only seems to work half the time. Then there’s my 2 year old who just likes to yell at me when he doesn’t get his own way. This included not being able to run around the street barefoot because the bus was late for my older one. Oh the meltdowns! It was a mess. Mornings like these feel like you’re just being yelled at nonstop by your kids and you want nothing else but a nice big glass of wine..by 8:30am.

9:15 comes where I waddle/limp into my OB’s office for my 38 week check up. My blood pressure is higher than normal 130/70, I’m typically 110/60. I knew after the morning I had that this would happen. This appointment is following a week of major muscular discomfort, lots of heating, couch lounging and moments of what I pray are small contractions giving me something to report back to the home front. Cervix change, dilation, baby dropping, anything. Give me something! My doctor checks me and has NOTHING to report as changed. I’m still very much pregnant and in his words the baby is “very comfortable”. Well, gee, I’m glad he is! I’m used to being late, both of my boys were 4 days over my due date, so I’ve had in my head that this will be another one. But still I can’t help the feeling of wanting to be hopeful at this point.

Doctor leaves the room. I start crying. I’ve never even cried over this before, but today was just one of those days that I wanted to be done, or at least told that I’m almost done. I wanted to feel like myself again, play with my kids without needing to put my feet up 10 minutes later, or go to the pool with them by myself and not need an extra hand because I’m too uncomfortable to chase my 2 year old around. It’s a feeling of powerlessness because there’s really nothing I can do at this point but wait.

I pulled myself together. With red, glassy eyes I made it through making my next appointment, got to my car, and cried some more. Drove over to our office, sat by my husband and cried even more. Why I’m even crying this much, I don’t know. But I did know that I was having a major moment and once I let myself feel it, I needed to suck it up and move on. I began thinking of the reasons why I needed to get over this and continue to live my life for the next 2 weeks without focusing on the end of the pregnancy. It was coming, just not at the moment I wanted it. So after thinking, I realized almost every pregnant woman goes through this by the end of the 9 months. Maybe not the cry in the doctors office experience, but the desperation of wanting the pregnancy to be over and finally bring their new baby into the world! So for any women out there struggling, or who will be struggling, these are my main points to keep in mind. After a good cry of course 😉

  1. I’m healthy. Baby’s healthy. The fact that the doctor is not concerned about him not showing signs of wanting to come out any day now is a positive thing. We are both healthy enough to keep the pregnancy going and I’m strong enough to get through it. I’m not a religious person but I always liked the saying “God only gives you what you can handle”. If my body and mind were not able to handle a 40 week pregnancy, this baby would be coming out sooner. Health is and always will be the most important thing.
  2. The baby is not done fully developing. Even though I know the baby would be healthy and ok if born today at 38 weeks, there is still always time to cross T’s and dot i’s 🙂 Every little part of the baby is developing inside the womb, so giving him this time to “finish up” will only be more beneficial for him and his development post-birth.
  3. The longer he’s in, the more time I have solo with my boys, or even doing things for myself. Life can get kind of crazy with a newborn, so now is my chance to keep my focus on my kids. If you don’t have kids and this is your first pregnancy, take advantage of sleeping as much as you can right now and include “pampering” on your nesting list. Go do the things you love to do for yourself that may not be as easy to get to once baby arrives. I’m not a mom that believes once you have kids you’re done with all of the self-care, but it definitely is not the same or as easy to get to once you have a little one..or 2 or 3.
  4. Finally, if you ever get to this emotional breakdown point in your pregnancy, I suggest getting out with your significant other for some “mommy-daddy time”. It’s ok to feel this way, but try not to dwell on it. Get that time together, tell him how you’re feeling and then laugh about how in a month you’ll be day dreaming of the nights you were getting sleep.

Yes, these are things I had to tell myself today to get over the anxiety of continuing to play the “waiting game”. I’m sharing my thoughts in hopes that it can help other mothers struggling at this end point to move passed the emotion and think of the “bright side”. And to think, in just 2 weeks I’ll be talking all about life as a mom of 3 boys. Ok, maybe he can stay in a little bit longer.

-Darielle Singerman

Fitmom of 2 and a Bump

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